On Turning 85! What I Have Learned

ON TURNING 85 is a very intimate and personal reflection of turning 85 years old this October. It encompasses my reflections of my life as I enter the last stretch and final phase of life. I share my life’s journey and learnings with you, my readers, in hopes that it can be helpful.

Reflections on My Life

On October 25, just six weeks from now, I will turn 85 years old. I am sitting at my desk in front of my companion, DELL, pondering how that is possible. I searched the actuary chart to find out my life expectancy and discovered that, according to statistics, I had just 6 six years left on the planet. I wonder if my classmates from Beach High Class of ’57, who also share the same age, know what I just discovered and how they might feel about the brevity of our remaining years. Although many have already passed, some remain the same age as I will be in just six weeks. This awakening compelled me to go to my computer and write down my thoughts and feelings about having just six years to live. Of course, I could die before the six-year life sentence or quite possibly live beyond the time I am expected to die. One never knows. That’s why living in the moment is so important.

The reason I inquired about my life expectancy is because I am considering a facelift and wondered if I choose to spend the twenty grand or more (the price it costs today), would it be worth the investment if I only had six years left? The reason for considering plastic surgery at the ripe old age of 85 is that my life partner is 15 years my junior, and that can precipitate some neurosis and insecurities about my age and the impact it has on my looks. I hate to sound so superficial, but it’s a concern. It’s not that I never had a facelift before, but the last time was 20 years ago, and until almost three years ago, I never considered such a drastic decision. However, even though I look good for my age, I can’t dismiss the fact that I am a cougar, and cougars at the age of 85 don’t look like one who might be 65 with a boyfriend of 50. After all, Cher has a boyfriend who is 37 years old, and she is 78. Madonna is 64, and her beau is 29 years old. Not that I can compare myself to either of these pop stars who share both fame and fortune, but it does acknowledge that significant age gaps are not that uncommon. Studies have found partners who are more than ten years apart in age are not socially acceptable. When it comes to our relationship, both men and women prefer someone around their own age; however, we are open to someone 10-15 years their junior or senior. As Cher once said, “Love doesn’t know math!”

So, now that I know my life expectancy, what have I learned that really matters? I imagine that most octogenarians have pondered this soul-searching question, too. Celebrities share their insights on social media as they reach the last stage of life. One thing we know is that we all have an expiration date. None of us are getting off the planet alive! Everyone wants to live a long life, but nobody wants to get old. What a conundrum!

An Unconventional Life

I had a very unconventional life. Some would say that’s an understatement. I was married and divorced four times, conceived, and birthed five amazing children that produced six amazing grandchildren and I adopted two amazing non-biological grandchildren. I made many mistakes and several poor choices, and unlike Frank Sinatra, I had more than a few regrets. My greatest loss was my eldest daughter’s passing at the age of 34. A brilliant psychologist and an extraordinary human being, she struggled with bipolar disorder for many years, and it ultimately became her executioner, causing her to commit suicide.

Despite all that, I managed to have a full, vibrant, and blessed life. I have my parents to thank, along with my late psychoanalyst/therapist, a few incredible mentors, some outstanding teachers, challenging and wonderful clients, spectacular friends and colleagues, and, at the age of 82, unexpectedly finding a life partner fifteen years my junior (that officially makes me a cougar) who loves and respects me for just being me. I learned that it’s never too old to be sexy!

Private Practice & Publishing

I began private practice at the age of 38 as a single mom in 1978. I had the good fortune of becoming the first affiliate in the U.S. of the John Bradshaw Center, sponsoring him in Miami Beach and Ft. Lauderdale in the early 80’s. This prompted the opening of 6 offices, with 17 associates in three counties, to maintain support for all those who attended each of the four-day workshops. It was the height of my career. Inner Child Work became my specialty, and until today, I find it to be the most effective modality for healing the trauma and wounds of childhood. As the years passed without notice, I morphed my practice into a solo practice, leaving behind the high overhead costs and too many administrative responsibilities. I learned that more is not better. Less became more!

I published three books and have a fourth one being released in February 2025. I learned that writing and publishing, even by traditional publishing companies, does not guarantee making money. I learned that passion doesn’t allow that to stand in the way, so I kept writing. I posted more than 500 blogs on my website just because I was compelled to do so. That, too, doesn’t make money or fame. It’s a passion and as I said above, passion doesn’t give a damn about the financial outcome. It just must be done.

What I Have Learned

I learned that happiness is our responsibility to create. I learned not to take abuse from anyone, including family. I learned that the older I get, the less I care about how others think about me. I learned that to be happy, we must have a purpose and passion. I learned to live in the moment because they flash by faster as we age. I learned that friendships are a blessing. I learned to take care of my mind and body! I learned not to get attached to stuff. What matters most is what we learned in kindergarten: Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. I learned the two words that equal happiness: forgiveness and gratitude. Worrying takes up too much energy and never resolves problems. It only makes you lose sleep and become cranky. I had many calamities that never really happened! Being charitable nurtures your self-esteem, and it helps others who are less fortunate. I learned to watch my words; they really matter. Anger has a place and time. It doesn’t need to be acted out. It can be spoken. Learn how to express your feelings with sensitivity to others who really matter.

Laughter is essential; so are tears. Life is full of joy and sorrow. When I was young, my father used to tell me, “Don’t laugh too much because soon you will be crying.” No one gets through life without adversity. How you respond to it makes you either suffer or survive. It’s our choice to be a victim, a survivor or even a Phoenix, the mythological bird that rises from the ashes only to become more empowered. Floss!

What I also learned is that we need each other; not as a codependent but as in connection. Connection is crucial for us to feel that we matter. It extends our life and increases our happiness. When we lose connection, we go into crisis. Cherish your relationships, friendships, and those who love you, even with all your warts! I taught and learned that conflict resolution sustains peace of mind. Work through your issues as they arise because the longer you wait, the more they grow. If you avoid conflict and sweep your feelings under the carpet, your carpet will begin to look like the Swiss Alps. Choose your battles wisely. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Choose kindness! I learned that we are more alike than different.

Our early life experiences impact our free will. We need to be determined to be the best we can be. It’s not easy, and it takes effort, but the results are worthwhile.

What I learned was to live each day as if it were my last because one day it will be! I must remind myself, and that’s why I meditate every day. I learned to be loved and to love is the most precious gift of life. My deepest gratitude to all those who have loved me over the course of my almost 85 years! It made me the person I am today. Without it, I would never have lived with the joy I experience each day