Why is Change So Difficult?

Why is Change So Difficult?

Being in private practice since 1978 specializing in both individual and couple’s therapy the most difficult thing for people to do is change. Whether it’s changing patterns of behaviors, partners, jobs, homes, change is usually faced with resistance. Human beings are creatures of habit. Habits are learned behaviors that are hard to change because we humans do better when we are feeling familiar with our circumstances, homes, partners, and even destructive behaviors!

Familiararity gives us a false sense of security. What we learn as children paves the way to adulthood. Our role models set the examples we tend to copy. It’s not “Do as I say; not as I do”! Children tend to do as they see what is done in their families of origin and become what they were told not to do because they mimicked the behaviors they witnessed. Words are not remembered; behaviors are! Those patterns of behavior, whether good or bad become imprinted at a very early age and without debriefing and having corrective experiences, they tend to be maintained even if they have life threatening consequences. Why is this?

To know the answer we first have to understand the brain. Our brains are divided in three distinct parts: the Reptilian, which is the oldest part that is instinctual, habitual and automatic. It doesn’t have the capacity to think, problem solve or be reasonable. It just reacts to danger. The questions it asks, is “Am I safe and will I survive?” Lions are coming! Get out of the way! The next evolved part is called the Mammalian, or the Limbic system. It is the seat of our emotions and all it cares about is if it’s painful or pleasurable. Human beings tend to go for pleasure and away from pain. The most recent part of the brain is the Neo-Cortex and the Frontal Lobe. It’s the thinking part and asks the question “is it reasonable and logical?” It cares not about emotion or even fear. Those are left to the two lower parts, the limbic and the reptilian. The Neo-Cortex and the Frontal Lobe figure things out based on logic and reason. But….we use all three parts if we are an integrated human being. We are aware of our thoughts that produce our feelings that make us behave based on our feelings and thoughts, whether they are real or imagined. The brain can’t tell the difference between what is real and what is imagined. Too often the triune brain doesn’t work together so we often do things that are not in our best interest because we are more interested in the familiar and the pleasure. If we are fear-based as so many of us are if we came from dysfunctional families, (which we all did to a greater or lesser extent), we tend to hold on to the familiar rather than try something new. When change needs to happen we tend to feel agitated, fearful, deprived and often depressed. So how do we solve this? How can we make change a challenge, fun and successful?

The first thing we need to ask ourselves is do we deserve to change? Do we think well of enough of ourselves that we want to take care of our body, mind and spirit, because it has been proven that they ONE! As a psychotherapist, I notice that those people who have a high self-esteem, self-worth and value themselves, tend to create and maintain healthy behaviors because they want to look better, feel better and live longer, healthier lives. It’s a way of life for them. They don’t suffer or feel like they are missing something. Instead, they feel they are gaining something: self worth! Change is something they embrace, not fear. It’s those who have a low self-esteem or think of change as a form of deprivation, i.e., “I can’t have the chocolate cake, or I can’t eat the extra portion of bread” as a form of deprivation as opposed to loving themselves and reframing their thoughts to sound like it’s just not worth the consequences. People who have a high self-esteem reframe that thinking into doing something positive for themselves as opposed to thinking of it as deprivation. Deprivation breeds fear and feelings of scarcity. Self deprivation is not accepted as easily as feeling worthy or looking better and feeling better. So to change a behavior, we must change the belief system.

For example: What is a belief system of someone who eats too much? Too often it is either, I was always a chubby kid, or I’m lovable just the way I am or my whole family is over- weight, so I inherited their genes. These responses are rationalizations or justifications for maintaining their eating habits. More often it is emotional eating that becomes the addiction; using food to fill up the emptiness. Nature abhors a vacuum, so food takes care of the emptiness. Often they believe that they will never be thin. They have tried so any times, lost and gained so many pounds that permanent change is just impossible. So they capitulate to their belief system. So when a belief system is set in place, it is followed by a value which then engenders an intention and finally a behavior. The cells in our brains develop addictions to the behavior once installed and they don’t know how to stop multiplying and reinforcing the behaviors. They have been conditioned over time to continue the patterns that make us feel good for the moment, then bad after the moment passes. “Why did I eat that?” “I am going to hate myself in the morning!” Regret begets depression; depression begets anxiety and anxiety perpetuates the addictive behavior that has been set in motion. The only way they are satisfied is to continue the same behavior. Einstein said that when we do the same things over and over and expect a different result, that’s insanity! The instant gratification we receive has a higher pay off than the long term benefits of change, however, only if we believe that it does!

So where does change come from?

Somewhere in the neo-cortex and frontal lobe we “think” about change and “choose” to change because we care about ourselves. It becomes a decision. When this light goes on, attitude becomes the tool that keeps the fire burning. Attitude can shift our brains and trick them into a new belief system. “I love myself, I care about my health and my time on earth, and therefore I am going to take better care of myself because I am worth it.” Once this new belief system is installed into our brain, we integrate the new behaviors because we have a new belief system, “I deserve to look and feel good, which then imbibes a new value, “I am worth it!”, which generates a new intention, “I can do this for myself because I want to stick around to see my grandkids get married, which then generates the new behavior, “The cake is not worth my sugar, triglycerides and my cholesterol skyrocketing.”

It’s not as difficult as YOU THINK and it’s worth the effort to change your beliefs to create a new behavior. It takes time to install so developing new forms of behaviors are important. What are they? Daily meditation, Yoga, exercise, social interaction, creativity, positive affirmations, good nutrition, gratitude and mostly, re-parenting your inner child! Everybody knows this. The key is to imbibe it. It was Descartes who said, “I think, therefore I am”. It is I, Joan E Childs who says,”I am, therefore I think!” So instead of feeling deprived, one feels empowered, energized, accomplished and confident. When this happens, your motivation generates the installation of change and the new you is born!

The poet says, “What I do is me for that I came.” Believe in yourself! YOU ARE WORTH IT!

Suggestions:
Watch youtube: Nicholas James Vujicic
See the movie: WHAT THE BLEEP DO WE KNOW? DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE
Read: The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller, MD

Joan E Childs, LCSW is a renowned psychotherapist, inspirational speaker and author of Do You Hate the One You Love: Strategies For Healing and Saving Your Relationship. In private practice since 1978, she specializes in individual and couple’s therapy, grief therapy, EMDR, NLP, inner child work and codependency. Learn more about her services at www.joanechilds.com.