Surviving Bipartisan Relationships

Maintaining healthy relationships is difficult enough without adding a new conundrum into the relational space. As a disciple of Hedy Schleifer, having taken her 3-year Master Class based on the work of Martin Buber and Imago Therapy, we understand that the relationship does not reside in the partners; it exists in the space between them.  That space, according to Martin Buber, is a sacred space.  The goal to a successful relationship is to maintain the space and protect it from becoming polluted.  Schleifer’s work teaches couples how to cultivate a conscious relationship and how to maintain a clean space to preserve a sanctified, safe relational space.

What is a “bipartisan relationship”?

A bi-partisan relationship is something I’ve coined for the purpose of this blog.  You won’t find it on Google, except for a brief article written on July 20, 2010, and updated on May 10, 2021, by JoAnna Wogulis, a Marriage & Family Therapist.  Her title is explicit: Couples Should Avoid Bipartisanship for a Healthy Relationship

I have a different perspective that I would like to share with my readers. Its etiology comes from couples I have seen over recent years who have emulated the divisiveness that has affected our country, specifically within our relationships.

Many have been together for years, either in marriage or as partners and even family and friends, as well as others who came to know each other more recently, prior to the campaigns for the recent elections.  Many of these relationships were founded on common principles, beliefs and values that brought them together and the reasons they fell in love and decided to bring their lives together.  Suddenly and unexpectedly, they found each other on opposite sides of the political arena.

An unchartered territory

The poster couple that illustrates this conundrum was Kelly Ann and George Conway.  This celebrity couple openly and vocally expressed their political differences and preferences about the candidates running for the presidency on national television.  Whether their differences were a causative factor in their divorce is unknown to me, but it represents the commonality of this issue in many couples whose relationships are impacted negatively due to the friction and animosity that surreptitiously emerged without warning in their personal political ideology.

Political ideology is the surface of their differences.  What lies beneath are the principles, belief systems, and values that each partner in the relationship holds deeply in their hearts and minds. This is where it gets sticky.  Suddenly, the man or women you have been sleeping with, raising children with, and having their backs through all the rough times, chooses to support the candidate that you see as everything you abhor.  How do we reconcile this without trying to change the other’s choice? (That would be an act of futility anyway.) After all, everyone has a right to their opinion.  It’s not about who’s right or wrong?  Yet our bellies get tight, our teeth begin to grind, our blood feels like it’s beginning to boil, and our defenses pop out like a jack in the box.  Arguments prevail and each partner wonders how they are so far apart on their political philosophies. What’s even scarier, is that this issue never arose before in their relationship, even with couples who have been together for many years.

It’s a new era!

“‘Till death do us part “is a vow most married couples hope to keep when they say, “I do.”

But, in the wake of this year’s divided presidential election, some Americans are calling it quits based on who their spouse voted for. As a result, divorce attorneys are being flooded with calls.

One attorney posted on X that she gained 14 new clients following the election, saying that November is usually a slow month where five new cases would be considered a lot.

“Once you feel like that person doesn’t align with you, oftentimes people can’t get past that,” said Ela Granger, a Rockford attorney who has not added any divorce clients over the election but says she wouldn’t be shocked if they start coming in. “People, more and more and more, over time, are choosing their own happiness over just staying together like people used to do in the past,” she said.

Granger says couples often fail to have discussions around hot-button topics like politics until it’s too late. She said because of how politically polarized the country is, those often-difficult talks are important.

– Divorce lawyers see spike in filings following 2024 presidential election.
By Jim Hagerty

In some cases, perhaps this might have been the result of a relationship that was on the rocks prior to the presidential campaigns and election, culminating in being the straw that broke the camel’s back.

What do we do?

There is only one solution. As difficult it may be we must come to acceptance with what we can’t control, change, or even despise. We don’t want to throw out the baby with the bath water. We must consider the best of our partners and why we made the choice to spend the rest of our lives with them.

“We want to put people above politics,” said Dr. Shilagh Mirgain, a psychologist at UW Health. “It’s so important to separate the person from their opinions or political views. And I think now’s the time when we really want to unify and come together and build bridges versus erecting more walls.”.

“Your differences are such that no matter what you do or how much therapy you do or how much you talk to each other, it’s not going to change your position.” (Or theirs, I might add.) “Once you feel like that person doesn’t align with you, oftentimes people can’t get past that,” said Ela Granger, a Rockford attorney. (WTVO)

According to statistics, women are known to file for divorce in 70% of all cases. According to a Reddit user, his wife was one of those women.

“I voted for Trump, my wife secured a lawyer, filed for divorce, worked out a separation plan and had me served within 48 hours of me casting my vote,” the Reddit post said.

Afterall, we are not perfect, and we are not monolithic. We are made up of parts, each having their own agenda, traits, values, and wisdom. Founded by Richard Schwartz PhD, we know that each part plays a significant role in our personalities. Carl Jung introduced us to our shadow side, the dark side of our personality. Virginia Satir and Hal Stone, family therapists were also among the leaders and proponents of parts work. We need to know all of them and must learn to embrace them as vital parts of who we are. As an asset to us when under stress, anxiety, and depression, therapy can help us see ourselves by recognizing, utilizing, and negotiating with our parts.

We will never be in complete agreement on everything. However, we are more alike than different. If you add up all the reasons you chose your partner, you will find more that you appreciate and love, than not. Lean into the positive traits that matter most and compare them to the ones you find distasteful or even reprehensible. And most of all, never, ever give the power to one person or political policies to be the cause of a breakup in your relationship. We are larger than that!

One of the many last gifts Steve Jobs gave to us, appeared lately on Facebook:
“The one who loves you will never leave you for another because even if there are 100 reasons to give up, she or he will find one reason to hold on.”

In my book, DO YOU HATE THE ONE YOU LOVE? Strategies to Heal and Save Your Relationship, I teach couples how to accomplish this often-messy stuff by bringing in their parts as advocates for positive change. The process includes the three invisible connectors: the relational space, crossing the bridge (to the other) and the encounter.

If you’re curious, read my book! (Available at Barnes & Noble and Amazon)