Staying Sane and Single: Part III

Please note that although this blog is written primarily for women, men can also learn lessons from the text. Just change the gender as it applies to you.

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*In my previous blog entry of DO’S I neglected to add #4 & #5 of the DO’S.
Here they are:

DO #4 – WRITE A GOOD PROFILE

If you are seeking an intelligent, educated sophisticated man, one of integrity and good character, be sure to write a profile that will catch the attention of the kind of man you are looking for. If you have poor writing skills, get someone to help you. It is true that a good photograph catches the attention of almost everyone, but when it is followed by a well composed profile, the interest mounts and piques as the read goes on.

Be very specific in what you are looking for. Consider each question that is posed to you by the internet site. Always tell the truth. When you post a photo more than 5-7 years old, you will be uncomfortable when you meet each other. You DON’T LOOK THE SAME. If you are concerned about your age, fearing that no one will click your post, then it is OK to cheat 5 years, but somewhere in the profile, you need to be clear and fess up to the reason you posted an earlier age. If you are confident in your appearance, and feel you don’t show your age, be sure to come clean before the end of the evening. You must be realistic. Men lie also, but if they see someone that does not resemble the photo posted, you can be sure it will be your first and last date.

It is a good idea to be clear about what you are looking for in a mate. If you are a staunch conservative, it would be a good idea to post your political ideation. In today’s divisive, political climate, you would be surprised to learn how this can be a deal breaker.

If you are concerned about body weight, especially obesity, don’t be afraid of writing your truth. In my profile, I said anyone over 20-25 pounds heavier than their posted weight, please don’t respond. This sentence spared a lot of discomfort and hurt. It may sound cruel, but better to be protective of both your feelings. Be as honest as possible. Unfortunately, there are a lot of lies perpetrated on profiles. It’s best to mean what you say, and say what you mean.

A word to the wise: Remember the kind of man you want to attract. If you post a photo that sexualizes your appearance, you will attract a man who is interested in the projection you personified. If you are a guy, please put on a shirt! It’s classier than a waist up nude!

DO # 5 – BE GRACIOUS AND GRATEFUL

Regardless of whether he’s “the one” or someone you hope to never lay eyes on again, be gracious and grateful. If he has spent some money and time, thank him and don’t point out every reason you will never see him again. Remember, he’s doing the best he can do. You don’t want to bash or trash a guy who took the time to bring you to a place he thought you might enjoy or even a Starbucks. It doesn’t matter. Treat him the same way you would want to be treated if things were reversed.

If you enjoyed your evening and your date said he would call you, BE PATIENT. Give him time to reflect on his time with you and remember, you may not be the only one he is seeing. Online dating is risky business. People tend to make several dates and use the process of elimination over time. If you don’t hear from him within a week of your date, consider it a no go. Don’t feel insulted.

Rejection is part of the game. You can’t take any rejection personally because you don’t know what’s going on in his life at the time you had your date. He may have been interested in another woman and was still dating until he felt certain about his feelings. You may do exactly the same. If you are too sensitive and insecure, then internet dating is not for you.

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THE DON’TS

DON’T #1 DON’T JUMP IN BED

Everyone puts their best foot forward in the beginning. It takes time for the authentic self to emerge and we need to be in a state of objectivity, not subjectivity to assess the results we are getting.

Don’t have sex before you create a friendship. This usually never happens. Most poor suckers get in between the sheets before they know who they are sleeping with and often find themselves sleeping with the enemy. If he is really interested in you, believe me, he can wait and he might even develop a sense of wonder and curiosity that will make you more exciting as some time passes. If all he wants is to get into yours pants, then that’s all he may do. Time will develop deeper insight and knowledge of who he really is.

DON’T #2 – DON’T CHANGE YOUR PLANS

If someone finds you interesting and plans a date, don’t change the plans just because you think someone better came along. It shows a lack of character and integrity. Your other man can wait and he will respect you for keeping a commitment. If he doesn’t, then he lacks what you are looking for…the same qualities you imbibe.

DON’T #3 – DON’T PROJECT

Once you close your eyes, and go off to the moon on gossamer wings, you’re doomed! Nature feeds into this mythical neurosis, by making it feel so damn good. It’s the oxy-tocin that fills your veins like a drug. It’s an illusion! Don’t do it or you will go into a trance projecting thoughts that may not be accurate. This spell that sweeps us off our feet, and takes us on a wave length into la-la land, convolutes our thinking, contaminates our sense of judgement and we no longer have free choice.
Time is your best friend!

DON’T #4 – DON’T SEXUALIZE YOURSELF ON THE FIRST DATE

For God’s sake, don’t tell him everything about your love life, sex life, fantasies, hang-ups or anything that might make you look like a porn queen. Wear something suggestively seductive but not provocative. It’s a balance to create a sense of wonder and curiosity—not to expose yourself. Think about the impression you want to create.

DON’T #5 – DON’T SHARE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF UNTIL YOU LEARN SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR DATE.

It’s good to share about yourself, but not too much. Allow your date to share as much as he likes. Men usually notice how much a woman likes to talk about herself. It’s better to listen! Listening shows compassion and interest.

Again, let time do its thing! It’s amazing how time can do so much if you allow it to create mystery and magic. It also helps with your sense and sensibility! Listening may be the best was to assess if he’s right for you and you for him. If you do most of the talking, he may check out.

Many unhealthy relationships begin with a bang. They are like storms that hit with a velocity that sends us reeling. They sometime call it chemistry, and too often codependency. First there is the thunder, and then the illumination. Projections fly like butterflies around fantasies weaving an illusion. Like most storms, they cause havoc, disruption and can leave us in a state of disaster. Healthy relationships are like planting a garden. First you till the soil, plant the seeds, nurture and protect it from the elements, weed it, water it, and then in due time there is an effulgence. Flowers bloom and there is joy. Healthy gardens can grow forever. No one does this perfectly. Storms come and go. We all make mistakes. I’ve made many. Hopefully mistakes morph into learning lessons. You CAN learn from other people’s experiences, unless you are determined to fall on your ass until you learn from your own mistakes. By following the Do’s and Don’ts in this blog, I can save you time, trouble, torment and a bruised self-esteem.

We are not going for perfection. We are going for PROGRESS!

Want to learn more? Check out my next blog, STAYING SANE AND SINGLE Part IV

Joan E Childs, LCSW is a renowned psychotherapist, inspirational speaker and author of Do You Hate the One You Love: Strategies For Healing and Saving Your Relationship. In private practice since 1978, she specializes in individual and couple’s therapy, grief therapy, EMDR, NLP, inner child work and codependency. Learn more about her services at www.joanechilds.com.