POST TRAUMATIC BREAK UP DISORDER PART II

DID I EVER REALLY MATTER?

This is the question most asked to me by my clients who are coming out of a break up and were dumped.  Even those who were not dumped and chose to end the relationship because they were no longer willing to settle for something less than what they thought they deserved, ask that question, especially when their ex doesn’t make an effort to try to work out something and resolve whatever conflict was brewing or where they were stuck.  Even the person who chooses to leave the relationship wonders if they ever really mattered and did their mate really know who they were.

 

These are the most common questions asked and wondered.  The fact that their ex showed no effort in attempting to find a solution and chose to let them leave is a sign that perhaps they never really mattered.  This is usually not true.  It’s easy to make this assumption because we tend to think that if we really mattered the other would fight for us and at least see if a compromise or solution is possible.  But when the there is nothing but the silent violence that so many of us experience, we tend to take it personally; we were not enough, they fell out of love, I expected too much, etc., etc., etc. 

The reality is that it usually none of those reasons.  Most of the time the reason is far deeper and has nothing to do with the dumpee unless of course there were some behaviors that were unacceptable to their partner, like cheating, compulsive behaviors like gambling, drug abuse, alcoholism, etc.  In most instances, it is usually fear of intimacy that creates the chasm which leaves the partner wondering all those false assumptions. 

Too often a deep hurt or loss is holding the reins of the person who is not responsive to the one who chose to leave the relationship.  And, most often, the signs were there way before the departure or termination.  The person dumped or who chose to leave had signs and red flags way before things came to an end.  They just didn’t want to accept what they saw, heard or felt because ending the relationship was worse than being in an abusive or dysfunctional one.  We find so many excuses and rationalizations to continue something we know won’t work and will cause us a lot of pain.

Codependency

Those who are codependent and believe they can’t survive without the other have a worse time than those who are more in touch with their feelings and are able to sustain their autonomy and independence.  The latter have a much better self- esteem and self- worth; the two most important features which will define whether you were in the relationship for the wrong reasons, too long.  Healthier people get out sooner and have fewer consequences when they do.  Healthier people grieve, but they know how to take better care of themselves by using resources from within and engaging their support team.

 

They know that “this too shall pass”, and perhaps it might be a blessing, rather than dwelling on what might have been and what they lost.  They have a difficult time staying in the present and seeing it as a blessing in disguise. The bottom line is that is takes two to tango.  You can be the greatest quarterback but without a wide receiver, the ball goes dead! One of my favorite quotes is “When God doesn’t open the door, stop banging on it.

 

What is behind may not be meant for you.

 

That is not to say that you don’t at least make a noble effort in trying to resolve the issue.  But it takes a big fat YES from both people in the dyad for a resolution to happen.  It is not like problem solving but rather like an adventure on a journey of recovery and intimacy, where it said that only fools tread. However, this not true!  It does take courage and a belief that each has to take responsibility for the demise or maintenance of the relationship and a willingness to engage in a corrective experience.   This is where therapy can be useful.  What I do in couple’s therapy is teach them to cross the bridge to the other’s side and see it from their world.  There is very little content; mostly process and therefore no right or wrong.  It’s what Rumi said, “There is a place in the field where there is no right or wrong.  I will meet you there.”

Please watch for Part 3 where therapy can be useful.

 

What I do in couple’s therapy is teach them to cross the bridge to the other’s side and see it from their world.  There is very little content; mostly process and therefore no right or wrong.  It’s what Rumi said, “There is a place in the field where there is no right or wrong.  I will meet you there.”

Please watch for Part 3 where I will explain the process of ENCOUNTER CENTERED COUPLE’S THERAPY.

Joan E Childs, LCSW is a renowned psychotherapist, inspirational speaker and author of Do You Hate the One You Love: Strategies For Healing and Saving Your Relationship. In private practice since 1978, she specializes in individual and couple’s therapy, grief therapy, EMDR, NLP, inner child work and codependency. Learn more about her services at www.joanechilds.com.