Post Traumatic Break Up Disorder

What happens when you break up from a relationship?  It’s a nightmare that never feels like it’s going to end. What occurs when your investment of time, energy, and emotions come tumbling down, destroying all your hopes, wishes, and dreams? What are the physical and emotional ramifications of this disorder that leave you anxious, depressed, and feeling hopeless, often losing faith and trust in the opposite sex?

Here are some of the manifestations of a broken heart that can take weeks, months, and sometimes even years to overcome, especially if the essence of the relationship was a love addiction and your drug of choice.

Healing from a Broken Heart

The physical and emotional symptoms that accompany a broken heart are, in fact, an actual pain in the heart, a feeling that part of you is sick and even gone. A heartache is a common effect, and the pain is palpable. You’re not crazy!  It’s real!  Sleepless nights, loss of appetite and weight, a devalued sense of identity, and a diminished sense of self-worth are all common effects of a broken relationship. Crying spells when you least expect them, sudden outbursts, stomach aches, headaches, diarrhea, murderous rage, frustration, deep hurt, and a feeling that this will never pass are also all normal reactions to a breakup. These feelings are synonymous with the loss of a loved one.  Grief accompanies both. It does not distinguish between the death of a loved one or the death of a relationship, except time. A relationship can be replaced; the death of a loved one cannot.

The feelings of the dumper are different than that of the dumpee.  Both suffer, but with different emotions and experiences.   The dumper, even with a sense of relief that it’s over, can experience a sense of guilt, self-doubt, and shame, while the dumpee is devastated, confused, sad, often nauseous, grief-stricken, and feeling lost with a loss of interest in everything.  Just getting by day by day is an all-out effort.  Feelings of abandonment, loneliness, apathy, self-degradation, and even suicidal ideation are not uncommon.  Love loss can make you both physically and emotionally ill.

Coping with Post Traumatic Breakup Disorder (PTBD)

There is an important distinction between losing a relationship that was based on healthy, adult love and one that was based on codependency.  The pain that lasts longer than six months to a year, causing clinical depression with the need for an anti-depressant and/or anti-anxiety medication, is often a sign of a codependent love addiction.  When you feel that you can’t go on without the other, that the other made you whole, that your world and happiness depended on the other, then you can be sure that it was a codependent relationship and you can be certain that if your suffering is lingering more than six months, you have all the signs of a classic love addict!

If that is the case, you need help!  There is a reason why your struggle in letting go is so interminable.  It has to do with your history that you brought into the relationship hoping that it would make your past better in the present.  That never works.  You are the one who can heal the past in order to make better choices in the present.

Did I ever really matter?

This lingering thought maintains residency in the mirrors of our minds.  Did we really ever matter?  The answer depends on many factors.

Was it love or addiction?  Was the loved one or both of you in a healthy adult relationship or was it codependency?  This is something you really must examine.  It may have looked like love, but there may have been some unconscious behaviors that were more like dependency than autonomy.  Falling in love is tricky and, too often, not love at all.  It may look like love, sound like love, even feel like love, but if the behaviors make you feel insecure and unable to self-regulate, dig deeper.  Codependency is a common addiction that is difficult to understand and accept.  Growing up with the background of our culture in love with love, music, art and movies often romanticize love more than the true meaning of love.  Love is unconditional.  In many addictive relationships, it’s impossible to love unconditionally.  If you are in a relationship with a partner who is an active alcoholic, sex addict, drug addict, gambler, narcissist, abusive, borderline personality, sociopath or gambler, that’s not easy to love unconditionally. Any of these behaviors, personality disorders and addictions will eventually destroy the relationship.  So, what’s the answer?

Get to know your partner before sex

I suggest you don’t get between the sheets before you know your partner.  Yes, it’s not easy, especially if there is a strong chemical attraction that has nothing to do with love. Once between the sheets, everything becomes obscured. Projections fly all over the place.  You only see the best in the beginning.  Everyone puts their best foot forward in the beginning. Time is essential to know someone.  It takes time for the authentic self to emerge. You might have thought you met Dr. Jekyll in the beginning, but 2 months later you meet Mr.Hyde. Oops!  His or Her dark side pops out.  You won’t know this unless you give it time.  If you are desperate to fall in love and find who you believe is Mr. or Miss Right, desperation will never bring you the right choice.

Know what you want in a relationship

There is wisdom in sticking to your own kind, however, relationships can be very successful if respect and honor are within the space between partners.  The relationship doesn’t live in you and your partner.  It lives in the space between you. That space must be sacred.  It’s up to you and your partner to maintain that space as sacred.  If you have children, it’s their playground. It’s in that space where they learn what you model for them.  If the space becomes polluted it effects both your relationship and your children.  It is your responsibility and that of your partner to maintain it and keep it sacred.  If you go into a disconnect with your partner because the space has become dangerous, you need professional help to resolve the conflicts swept under the carpet.  Your children will carry that conflict with them as a result.  Good parenting can only happen in a sacred space that the parents provide and maintain.

Understand your shadow side

It’s very hard to discover and acknowledge your shadow side — the dark side of your personality. It must be embraced for you to have a healthy relationship. Both partners must embrace their shadow side to live in the sacred space. Only a professional can help you work through the polluted space and learn ways to autonomously heal your relationship. This must be taught, practiced, and integrated into your relationship.
Healthy love takes time, patience, communication, cooperation, and collaboration. To make the space safe and sacred, you need to learn about the other person’s neighborhood, be present, and have good listening skills. This is something that needs to be taught; it doesn’t come naturally.

We all came from homes that were dysfunctional to a greater or lesser degree. We only know what we know. New neuropathways need to be formed to learn healthy communication.

Encounter-Centered Couples Transformational Therapy

I teach this to my clients to help them restore their connection.  It’s called EcCT, Encounter-Centered Couples Transformational Therapy.  It is the works of Hedy Schleifer, master couple’s counselor, who brought this healing modality to the forefront in couples’ work.

You have a choice!  Decide to either become a victim of the breakup or a survivor that can take you on the path to becoming a Phoenix, like the mythological bird that rises from the ashes only to become more empowered.

If you can’t do this alone and find yourself crying in a pillow every night, get professional help.  If you cannot afford professional help or do not have mental health insurance, find a Coda or Sex and Love Addiction 12-step meeting to attend either in person or online.  There are many so just go on Google and look for either of these near you.  They will provide you with the help and support you need.  You can not do this alone.  Friends and family are helpful, but the meetings are your way to learn new ways to grow and know that you are not alone.

It’s a choice that only you can make.  Take the step to recovery, make new friends, get a sponsor, and most of all, have faith!