Mental Health for Women (and Men)
I was inspired to write this blog by La Cantera Resort’s Wellness Center in San Antonio, Texas. I will speak at their event on Mental Health for Women in May, a timely topic, especially during stressful times. As a woman who has been divorced three times, a single mom with five children, six grandchildren, and a private practice as a psychotherapist for 46 years, I am qualified to share my knowledge about this subject. More than half of my patients have been women, many of whom have struggled to keep their heads above water, just like me. I hope you will find it interesting and informative. I am not just writing a blog; I lived it!
Why Women?
Much has been written about the difference between men and women, as highlighted in the 1992 bestseller, “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.” My revised book, “Do You Hate the One You Love? Strategies for Healing and Saving Your Relationship,” explores how partners in a marriage or relationship react differently to the same situations because of gender differences and unresolved childhood trauma. Wounds from childhood have a remarkable way of maintaining the effects throughout our lives if not healed. The sad part is that it’s not in our conscious awareness or our fault. It is suppressed until one day into adulthood, we recognize the destructive patterns that have unfolded in our adult life. Each gender shares commonalities, but we also respond differently to how stress affects our mental health. This blog is not about the differences in men and women. It will address how living in today’s time affects the mental well-being of women and what they can do about it. Be assured, however, that men can learn much about mental health for men, too. So, if you are a man, don’t pass this blog up.
The Weaker Sex? Oh No!
What has often been referred to as the weaker sex is not even close to being accurate. This assumption has been proven wrong over many decades as is demonstrated in all disciplines of life. We carry and give birth to our children, and many women have full-time careers. More than 15 million single moms are in America today, raising more than 22 million of America’s youth. (The Life of a Single Mom). I have often wondered how many men are grateful for not having to go through pregnancy, labor, and childbirth. However, it would only be fair to say that many women are equally thankful for not having to fight in a war zone, with some exceptions. I’ve known many, especially young Israeli women, who do time in the service of their country and women who serve time in our country, many of whom leave their children behind for the cause.
The Stressors that affect our mental well-being
When it comes to our our mental health instability, the biggest unbalance we suffer from is our emotional baggage. The body expresses what the mind represses! In addition to those words of wisdom lies another truth by Patrick Holford who states, “Your emotions, both positive or negative, can have a massive effect on your health and the whole way your body operates. To achieve optimum health, the challenge for all of us, therefore, is to flush out and let go of the emotional patterns from the past that mess up our lives and no longer serve us.”
Stressors that cause threats to our mental health
It’s impossible to wake up each morning without the expectation of feeling anxious or depressed. All it takes is to turn on the television or our computer. News that triggers our limbic system, which is the seat of our emotions, is a direct threat to our sense of well-being if we don’t have ways to cope. Not a day goes by where there isn’t bad news. There has always been bad news, but technology doesn’t waste a second bringing it to us, even though we don’t ask for it. We can’t behave like an ostrich. We need to stay connected to our world and the events that fall upon us. It’s important to know what is happening; however, if it becomes dangerous to our mental health, we need to learn how to manage it so it doesn’t interfere with the quality of our lives.
Managing motherhood and career can be challenging, especially as a single parent. Having time for both spreads and strains our mental and physical capacities. Hearing about a mass shooting in schools, concerts, houses of prayer, and more is enough to make us paranoid. The economy, the stock market, the unmanageable weather conditions, the effects of the unfolding dangers in the environment and the implications and consequences it has on humanity can make us feel unsafe, insecure and want to retreat from things we love to do.
Unsuspected and unexpected illnesses, both physical and mental, threaten us, along with losing a loved one and the grief that goes along with it. I lived this too. I lost my daughter unexpectedly to suicide when she was 34. Her executioner was bipolar disorder. It’s something we never get over. Our mental health system is not only tragically sub-standard; it’s a mess. We are living in dark times. Our political stage has never been so divisive. Wars that seem to go on endlessly with no silver linings make us feel helpless and powerless to effect positive change. The economy is like a turbulent flight, without relief. Forty to fifty percent of first marriages and 60-67% of second marriages end in divorce. There are an estimated 50,000 suicides a year, Complex PTSD is surging and life too often feels way too difficult to manage. There is a massive rise in antisemitism as well as many other isms and hate crimes. If I list any more negative truths, you may not want to continue reading, and honestly, I can’t blame you. The fact is, I am not being dramatic. What I wrote is fact. However, I am beginning to sound like CNN or Fox News, and I don’t want to add more stress to those of you reading my blog. So, let’s move on to what we can do about it.
What can we do about it?
Unfortunately, not much! What we can do however, is know how to protect ourselves from things we cannot control. We need to take action, and here’s how.
We all know about ways we can prevent mental and emotional illness. There are, of course, things we cannot effectuate change in. The above paragraph is certainly out of our control, as is mental illness like schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and other mental conditions that have genetic or biological etiology. Fortunately, there are psychotropic medications that can help, but too many people don’t have the money to get the needed help, and many do not take the prescribed meds because it makes them feel worse or they feel omnipotent and don’t take them. The good news is that there is much we can do to help us deal with the challenges of living with the pressures and stressors that are real. Science knows that 80% of all diseases is stress-related. We know the adage that necessity is the mother of invention. In my early lifetime (the 50s), life wasn’t this hard. We didn’t need as much help in managing stress as we do today, because we didn’t have as much. Out of necessity, ways to manage emotional inflammation have been introduced to us over the decades since the last age of innocence. Here are some things you can do to take care of yourself.
- 1
Breathe! You knew how to do this reflectively the moment you were born. Too many of us lost that knowledge as we became overwhelmed with stress. You can learn the art of breathing and how it can calm down your central nervous system. Practicing Yoga is an excellent resource for learning breath work. Infections are fought off; injuries can be healed quicker, and it gives you a way to take charge of your mental health. There are professional breath healers that can teach you the power of breathwork. Check them out on Google!
- 2
Nutrition! Eating clean and healthy is the gateway to fighting both mental and physical illness. Learning how to eat healthy is essential to your health and well-being. If you don’t know what foods are in your best interest, read and learn. Become educated and learn how to self-help to achieve good eating habits. We have all heard the phrase, we are what we eat! There is no excuse! There are resources everywhere. If you don’t know how to self-help, hire a nutritionist.
There is no excuse! There are resources everywhere. If you don’t know how to self-help, hire a nutritionist. It’s an investment in your life. Take your vitamins, especially zinc! They help your immune system, and you will feel better. Remember: the body, mind and spirit are one!
A personal note: I am a vegetarian with an occasional choice for fish. I suppose I can be considered a pescatarian. What’s important for me is making an effort to be on a plant-based/whole-food diet. It turned my diabetes around after three months. I am not telling you to do the same; however, the effects may be worth considering. If interested, watch Forks Over Knives, What the Health, and The Game Changer. It might plant a seed! (No pun intended.) - 3
Seek professional help! If you find it difficult to cope with the effects that stress has on your mental health, you may want to find a mental health provider. The stigma once attached to therapy no longer exists. People who seek professional help are not crazy or weak.
They are only trying to change the behaviors that might have contributed to their suffering. It’s available to everyone! It’s true that it can be expensive, but many mental health providers will take insurance as a way to help out financially. Insurance companies have networks with mental health providers. If you need information, call your health insurance company and ask for out-patient psychiatric benefits and if you have met your deductible for the year. You won’t be sorry!
- 4
Exercise! One of the most helpful ways to combat diabetes and obesity and maintain good health, both physically and mentally, is to exercise on a regular basis. Exercising regularly is essential for both your mental and physical well-being. You don’t need a gym to walk, swim or ride a bike. No excuses! Don’t forget to stretch! Make the time, and you will reap the benefits. Yoga and/or Pilates can be another excellent source to keep your mind and body in great shape.
On a personal note, I listen to classical music and opera while working out. I may be the only one in my gym who does not listen to workout music. I am not fond of working out, but I go to the gym 3-4 times weekly. Music lowers my heart rate and distracts me from pumping iron and walking the 2 miles on the treadmill. It brings me a sense of relief that only my music can do.
- 5
Meditate! If you don’t know how, there are classes and videos that can teach you. Meditation is a wonderful way to calm down your central nervous system, clear your mind, and clean out the bugs that distract you from what is interfering with the quality of your life. Another source of inspiration and nurturing your sense of well-being is prayer. Going to your place of worship can be a great source of inner strength and soulful content.
- 6
Get plenty of rest and turn off your phones as much as possible. Your phones can be a threat to your peace of mind as well as your relationships. Know your priorities. Hold your partners instead of your computers when you go to bed. Be present to each other. While you’re at it, don’t watch the stock market daily and limit your television newscasts. Most of it is bad and editorialized. Watching the news, especially in the evening, can affect your mood and your sleep. It’s crucial to get at least 7-8 hours of sleep each night. Remember Walter Conkrite? It’s not like his reporting was back then. Either is anything else!
- 7
Balance your life! Remember the saying, “all work and no play makes Jack a dull guy?” This is most important. You need time for work, love, and leisure. This is the recipe for mental health. If you don’t provide all three in balance, you can expect anxiety, depression and crankiness! If you have all the ingredients to make a cake but lack baking soda or baking powder, your cake won’t rise, unless of course, you are using self-rising flour. We need all the ingredients for the cake to meet your expectations. The same is true for balancing your life!
- 8
Be mindful! Most of us, including me, are unconscious much of the time. We are so distracted by so many external forces, most of which are out of our control and many that are forced upon us by technology, that we ignore what is most important. I spend countless hours looking for my phone and keys and too often ask myself why I came upstairs. External distractions are ubiquitous and interfere with our listening and productivity. Learning how to be mindful is the cure! The millennial generation is out of control between social media and cell phones. It’s no wonder. ADD and ADHD is so rampant. I’m not saying that’s the cause, but it certainly is a contributing factor. There are classes in-person or online that teach mindfulness. They even have them for kids.
- 9
Choose kindness! There is so much hate in the world today. The divisiveness in politics engenders so much dissention, discord, and conflict that it destroys relationships and causes unnecessary emotional hardships.
We are all entitled to our opinions, even if we disagree. We must agree to disagree without aggression or the need to prove our point and make the other wrong. Do you want to be right or happy? The choice is yours! Accepting our differences and agreeing to disagree is vital to our peace of mind. When you choose kindness, you lower the anger that keeps you unhealthy. Remember, unresolved anger can cause emotional problems. Anger internalized will cause depression if not resolved. - 10
Use affirmations! I teach my clients the power of affirmations. It’s essential to substitute negative self-talk with positive affirmations. Your brain prefers positive thoughts, and by doing this daily, you can create new neuro-pathways in your brain that will eventually stop the negative self-talk.
Be vigilant in applying this exercise. It also helps with practicing mindfulness!
- 11
Socialize! Meet with friends, go to the theatre, concerts, dinner, movies, whatever floats your boat. Do something that gives you pleasure, fun and something to look forward to. Perhaps more than anything, particularly as we age, we need connection! When we disconnect, we go into crisis!
- 12
Plan trips and vacations! Have a date night with your partner, boyfriend, husband, wife and schedule lunch dates with your girlfriends! Having time and company with girlfriends is the best cure for loneliness and stagnation. Keeping up with social engagements with your partners, family and friends stimulates and maintains a feeling of connection and joy. Communication with those you care about nurtures your mind, body and spirit! Remember what I said in #11. Stay connected!
- 13
Take up a hobby that gives you a sense of passion and purpose! This is especially for folks who are retired. Many of us tend to think that what we do is who we are! That is not true. We are all larger than life and we are not defined by what we do; but who we are! After retirement, many retirees feel useless, bored, devalued, and even worse, depressed. Everyone needs a sense of purpose throughout our lives. If you can add passion to purpose, then you will feel the purpose you may have lost since retirement. Retirees can find something to do that they may have not had time for when they were working 40 hours a week or more. It’s time to be creative and learn more about the things that interest you that you never had the time to pursue. Golf, reading, going to lectures, taking classes, exploring new possibilities are many ways to keep you active both mentally and physically. The payoff is worth the time and commitment.
- 14
Challenge yourself to try new things that you always wanted but put off! This last suggestion culminates most of the previous 14 suggestions above. Robert Waldinger, MD, psychiatrist and Psychoanalyst and Marc Schulz, psychologist were two of the last contributors to an 85-year-old Harvard study of Adult Development that established a strong correlation between deep relationships and well-being. What they discovered over an 85-year span was that relationships are key to health, both physical and mental and happiness. Watch Dr. Waldinger give his presentation, The Secret to Happiness on YouTube. You will be amazed how this study substantiates and documents the key to better mental and physical health.
- 15
Last, but not least… Ladies, keep up with getting your hair done, having massages, manicures, pedicures, facials, Botox, fillers, face lifts, and everything that makes you feel good. However, the outside won’t cut it without the inside feeling good. It takes both! No matter how much effort you put into your looks, without the same effort put into your mind and spirit, you won’t feel your best.
Remember, the body, mind, and spirit are one! They must be in harmony!
My apologies for such a long, blog. I didn’t want to leave anything important out. Don’t try to read it all in one reading. Take your time and use it as a reminder that it takes about 30 days to change old habits. The only thing in life we can count on is change, (aside from paying taxes and death.)
I want to leave you with the last thing Auntie Mame exclaimed as she walked down the stairs at the end of her performance. “Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!”
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April 21, 2026
April 21, 2026
