Losing a Child: How I Healed My Soul

“Man has places in his heart which do not yet exist, and into them enters suffering, in order that they may have existence”
― Léon Bloy

“There are places in the heart you don’t even know exist until you lose a child.”
My take on Anne Lamott’s quote, “There are places in the heart you don’t even know exist until you love a child.”

Suffering, though painful, is essential for growth. It creates new empathy, understanding, and deeper emotions that we didn’t have before.

Surviving the Worst Tragedy of Your Life

Have you or someone close to you ever experienced every parent’s worst nightmare of losing a son or daughter?  Have you or a loved one suffered the grief and loss that seems interminable and boundless, with emotions cascading relentlessly?  Are you awake at night, unable to wrap your head around the what-ifs, the guilt, anger, depression, and disbelief?  I have.  I have been through the circles of hell and anguish that words can’t describe, wishing I could awaken to a different reality. Know you are not alone.

If this resonates with you, let me share my experience, hoping to offer you answers, hope, and coping skills for grief. I am not just a mother who lost a daughter; I am a psychotherapist, and my daughter was a psychologist. We both spent years helping others heal. Questions like “Why me?” or “Why did this happen to me? To us?” offer no real answers and will not serve you.  It will only cause your grief to perpetuate.

It takes time to heal and come to the last stage of grief, which is acceptance.  However, that doesn’t mean you stop grieving.  Grief feels and acts differently with each person.  There is no recipe for an ending.  Some take a lifetime to stop; others move on feeling thankful for the time they had with their child, whether they were a new born that never survived, infants who never made it to toddlers, children who never knew adolescence, or adult children who never had a chance to have their own children and those who left their spouses, partners, children and lovers behind.  Whatever the cause, illness, accidents, murder, or suicide, the loss carries different shades of grief.

If any of this resonates with you, I suggest you read my book, WHY DID SHE JUMP? My Daughter’s Battle with Mental Illness, A Broken Healthcare System, and My Ultimate Search for Peace.  My story chronicles my daughter’s trajectory with Bipolar I and her ultimate leap from a 15th story, and my struggle with futile attempts to save her life.

You will learn how guilt, anger and depression became my constant companion, along with sleepless nights, searching for answers that never came and a heart that hung heavy with terminal despair, until one day, many years later, I was able to breathe, sleep and move forward, never once forgetting about her, along with both the joy and suffering I endured.

Morphing Pain into Purpose

My life seemed meaningless and as if I had fallen into a dark hole.  The muse in me compelled me to the computer and journal my thoughts and feelings each night, while sleep abandoned me.  I wrote and wrote each night.  Seven years later, I stopped writing.  My dark hole disappeared, and a light shone through the darkness, rescuing my soul.  My muse whispered, “morph what you wrote into a book, so perhaps you can help other parents who suffered the same loss as you.” I didn’t waste a moment.  I self-published it first, and later it was published by a traditional publisher.

Years later, I re-released it with Amazon, updating the content.  It was released in February 2025.  The sad part of the story is that now, 27 years after my daughter leaped to her death, nothing has changed with our broken healthcare system.  It’s a shame that a country that prides itself on being the richest country in the world can’t take care of its citizens with mental illness.  

My heart aches for the parents whose children died before they did.  It’s unnatural for children to die before their parents.  The deep wounds that lie beneath the surface of surviving don’t disappear.  They diminish, and our souls survive.  Never before, however, have survival and growth offered so many ways forward, bringing endless, perpetual possibilities into our lives.

WHY DID SHE JUMP? reveals how we can sustain loss and grief and rise above it.  One of the greatest books of our time is Viktor Frankl’s MAN’S SEARCH FOR MEANING, which shares the story of his greatest loss, that of losing his wife and family in the Holocaust, and how he was able to turn the worst possible tragedy into a miracle for others who sustained the agony of loss and grief.

My book, WHY DID SHE JUMP?, can be purchased on Amazon, and if you need support to get through the worst of your suffering, don’t hesitate to contact me.

As a certified grief counselor and coach, I may be able to help and support you through the worst tragedy of your life.  I did it, and so can you! Hope is not enough! You need faith and a willingness to commit to healing.

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Joan E Childs, LCSW

Certified Life Coach, Relationship Coach, Business Mediator, Grief Counselor, Author, and Inspirational Speaker