Kirkus Book Review: Do You Hate the One You Love?

Originally Published on Kirkus Reviews

Kirkus Book Review

A breezy and opinionated guide to improving marriage.

Childs—who has been in clinical practice for more than 40 years, holds numerous therapeutic certifications, and is “multi-divorced”—distills her personal and professional experience here into a chatty self-help guide. The catchy chapter titles give a sense of her upbeat style: “Why Can’t a Man Be More Like a Woman”; “The Power of the Penis, the Patriarchy, Politics, and the Pocketbook”; “Where, Oh, Where Has My Sexy Self Gone?”

Asserting that the patterns she sees in her practice confirm the truism that “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus,” she walks the reader through the reasons why relationships fail (patterns and traumas experienced in childhood unconsciously carry over to the “relational space”) and what it takes to create a successful “conscious relationship.”

The book combines client stories, inspiring quotations, takeaways from research in neurobiology, and references to famous psychologists (from Carl Jung and Alice Miller to John Gottman and Esther Perel) to explain the principles of “encounter-centered” couples counseling. She also provides descriptions of “rituals” (exercises) including “presencing” and “crossing the bridge” with enough detail to allow readers to experiment with them on their own.

Although Childs asserts that “love-hate relationships can happen in any environment” and that she isn’t “male-bashing,” her focus is centered squarely around women in heterosexual relationships.

A short list of references offers several suggestions for further reading. Child’s writing style is entertaining, humorous, and informal—reading her prose is like talking with a smart girlfriend or big sister. She sprinkles exclamation points liberally throughout and doesn’t shy away from colorful language. (One client says, “When he’s not acting like a dick, I find him lovable,” and another’s anger is dramatic: “Her inner beast rose from the coals of hell, blowing dragon fire from the depths of her being.”) The text is occasionally rambling or repetitive (for example, quotes by Albert Einstein and M. Scott Peck appear twice), and there are a few mistakes (mistaking Glenda for Glinda of Oz, regatta for regalia, and willful for willing) and some lapses into the passive voice. Such quibbles aside, the book is relatable and reassuring.

Down-to-earth advice for bridging the divide between Venus and Mars.

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