How We Got To Where We Are

Those of you who follow me on my website and who read my blogs and posts on Facebook and YouTube already know that the core of my work is Inner Child Work. I began specializing in this intensive exploration of our early developmental years when I became the first affiliate in the US for John Bradshaw in 1989.

John created a movement, starting with the recovering community, that expanded to the general population. A recovering alcoholic for nearly three decades, psychologist, author, American educator, counselor, motivational speaker, and television host, John developed the theory that all our behavior is not free will. It is an unconscious process that develops from early childhood back to the time when our needs were great and the state of mental health in our family of origin. Did we have what is known as a secure attachment?

The familiar nature vs. nurture is still considered the deciding factor of how we become the person we are today. There is a growing theory postulated by Robert Sapolsky that there is no free will. We are a product of each step we take in the course of our daily lives. The determinist approach proposes that all behavior has a cause and is thus predictable. Free will is an illusion, and our behavior is governed by internal or external forces over which we have no control. (Robert Sapolsky on Free Will and Determinism. Saul Mcleod, PhD). I am still unsure if there is any major difference between my belief and his. However, this blog is about what has worked for me in treatment for the past 46 years as a psychotherapist. I feel dedicated to sharing it with you.
Many of us as children never had a secure attachment, the most vital element to our personal growth, development, and well-being. Without a secure attachment, we end up seeking ways to self-medicate the hole in our soul with alcohol, drugs, gambling, codependency, and compulsive behaviors that become our drug of choice.

We have a will that’s run riot. Once this happens, all hell breaks loose. Nature abhors a vacuum, so we hunger to fill this emptiness in our soul. This becomes the road to addiction. Addicts are not who we really are as human beings. They are our survival suits that work like tires on a car. Eventually, they wear out, and when they become bald, they need to be replaced, or we can’t drive our cars anymore. In human beings, becoming bald is when we seek behaviors to fix the tires without changing them. It never works.

What Is A Secure Attachment?

The best way to describe a secure attachment was given to me by my colleague and great friend. Before she passed away from pancreatic cancer, Judith wrote a letter to our dear colleagues who studied together for three years. We had just said goodbye to each other after celebrating a reunion in Ischia with several of our colleagues and friends. I will publish her letter in my revised book that will be out in March of 2025: DO YOU HATE THE ONE YOU LOVE? Strategies for Healing and Saving Your Relationship. Judith searched all her life for answers and ways to heal her wounded childhood. It was near her death that she understood the meaning of a secure attachment. This is what she shared with us in her letter:

Are you loved for who you are and not what you do?
Do you feel safe?
Do you feel secure that someone will protect you?
Do you feel seen or heard?
Are you able to be vulnerable in your relationship?
Do you feel loving eyes and a loving touch upon you?
Do you feel cherished, adored, unique and special?
Do you feel appreciated for your differences and talents?
Do you feel accepted when your behavior is different than others?

If you have answered “no” too many times then it’s time to learn how to achieve these essential feelings and to be able to share them in your relationships with loved ones that include spouses, parents, children, friends and partners.

The Story of Louis Armstrong

This is a story I read on Facebook. I checked it on Scopes and it appears to be partly true. The purpose of sharing this with you (true or not) is to illustrate how a secure attachment can predict a successful outcome as you mature. Without it, there will be a perennial search to find it in either others, substances, and/or behaviors to fill up the void that keeps us in crisis and unable to self-regulate. It only takes unconditional love to create the person you were intended to become.

A Jewish family, Karnofsky, who immigrated from Lithuania to the United States, took pity on the 7-year-old boy and brought him to their home.

There, he stayed and spent the night in this Jewish family home, where he was treated with kindness and tenderness for the first time in his life.

When he went to bed, Mrs Karnovski sang him Russian lullabies, which he sang with her.
Later, he learned to sing and play several Russian and Jewish songs.

Over time, this boy became the surrogate son of this family.

Mr. Karnofsky gave him money to buy his first musical instrument, as was the custom in Jewish families.
Later, when he became a professional musician and composer, he used these Jewish melodies in compositions such as St. James’s Hospital and Go Down Moses.

The little boy grew up and wrote a book about this Jewish family, who raised him in 1907, and proudly spoke Yiddish fluently.

In memory of this family and until the end of his life, he wore the Star of David and said that in this family he learned “to live a real life and determination.”

This little boy’s name was Louis Armstrong. This little boy was called Louis “Satchmo” Armstrong. Louis Armstrong proudly spoke fluent Yiddish and “Satchmo” is Yiddish for “big cheeks, a nickname some say was given to him by Mrs. Karnofsky! (This seems to be the part that may be false.)

Now you know rest of the story!

From A Will Run Riot To Healthy Choices

If you find yourself using the same patterns of choices and behaviors that don’t satisfy the intention or outcome you want, it’s time to look at why and how you can change. In order to have a successful relationship, you must know how to have a conscious relationship, starting with yourself. If you don’t know how to do this, get help to learn how. Without knowing who is underneath your survival suit (also known as your false self), you will go to your death never know who you are.

The poet says, What I am is me; for that I came. Not knowing and loving oneself is the tragedy of tragedies. Without self-love, you are not able to give or receive it. It’s not your fault. It came from lacking a secure attachment. When you discover your authentic self, you will be free to be the person you were intended to be. The good news is that is never too late. It requires commitment, determination, courage, time and money. It will be the best investment you will ever make. Invest in yourself and the risk is worth the reward!

The challenge to change has to come from your own volition. How you do it is up to you; however, it can’t be done alone. Certainly, 12-step programs are a way to start. Having a higher power and identifying with like people who you can relate to is a positive step forward. For some, it might be enough. For others, therapy might be necessary. One thing is for sure: you can’t do it alone! You may be able to stop the behavior; however, without self-examination and working through the wounds of your childhood, you will not be free from the traumas that were perpetrated upon you when you were young, impressionable, and vulnerable. It’s NOT about you. It’s about what happened to you. Searching for the truth is essential for permanent growth and change.