How To Mourn The Loss Of Someone You Don’t Know

“There are places in the heart that do not yet exist.  Pain must be in order than they be.”
– Leon Bloy

The death of a loved one is inevitable, certain, an unavoidable and inexorable part of life.  No one escapes. Surviving family and friends experience an emotional cascade of grief, whether the death is caused by an illness, accident, murder or suicide.  Bereavement has no formula, no time limit or right or wrong.   Each of us grieve in our own time and own way. Neither wisdom or understanding makes it easier because those are rational thoughts that operate from the cognitive part of our brain, the Neo-Cortex and Frontal Lobe.  In grief they are useless.  Emotions are dictated by the Limbic system of our brain, that part which is the seat of our emotions.

Not unlike the deaths of John F Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Robert Kennedy, John McCain, Princess Diana, Michael Jackson, Elvis Presley and many more, including most recently, Kobe Bryant, the world mourned their deaths as if they had lost a loved one, for in fact they have.  The intensity and time of grief differs when a parent, husband, wife, lover, pet or perhaps worse, a child passes, however, those unknown in our personal lives, can have the same grief patterns and stages as the loss of our loved ones.

Why is this?

Many of those who die who are not family members or close friends have been in our lives as if they were family members or dear friends for most of our lives.  We have established strong ties and relationships through television, the medium of technology, movies, concerts and events throughout our lifetime.  We tend to deify, idealize and mythologize these legends where we connect deeply.  It’s part of the human experience.  Our bereavement is part of the collective unconscious.  We share our grief and loss just as we share our joy and excitement.  It is ubiquitous. Likewise, when one finds solace, acceptance and relief, the chances increase that others will also find comfort.  This too is a function of the collective unconscious.

The Collective Unconscious

In Jungian psychology, the collective unconscious is a concept originally defined by psychoanalyst Carl Jung. It refers to the idea that a segment of the deepest unconscious mind is genetically inherited and is not shaped by personal experience. (Wikipedia) It is a part of the human condition.

An example is The Hundred Monkey’s Story.  When the first monkey in evolution derived the knowledge that a stick could be used as a weapon, monkeys all over the world came to the same realization.  The same is true with humans.  When Roger Bannister broke the 4-minute mile in 1954, 1400 others have broken it since.

How does this theory relate to grief and loss?

If others feel the pain and loss of a hero or heroine, an icon or a celebrated personality, it is a human experience shared by many. Human beings connect with the pain and sorrow of others as well as the joy.  This is empathy, something common to most of us.  I say most, because there are certain personality disorders where empathy does not exist.   There is a symbiotic relationship with all of us, worldwide when we feel loss, pride and joy.  We feel as one.  When President Regan told Gorbachev to tear down the Berlin wall, the free world celebrated as if it was on their own turf.

The theory of Martin Buber

According to the philosopher, Martin Buber human beings are wired for connection.  When we go into a disconnect through unexpected or sudden loss, we go into crisis.  It is difficult when there is an expectation of loss as in the case of John McCain, but when it is sudden, as in the case of all the others mentioned above, we go into shock and denial, the first stage of the grief process.  We experience the loss of a secure attachment, someone we had grown attached to and loved deeply, even those not known to us on a personal basis. Those who revered Kobe Bryant, will never see him play another basketball game.  Losing an icon, even if never in their company, feels the same as losing a best friend and in his case, a hero—a hero, not just for the giant he was on the basketball court, but in life.  His good deeds, humility and sense of purpose resonated with everyone who adored him.  Not unlike Princess Diana, the people’s princess, John Kennedy, the people’s president, Martin Luther King, the hero for civil rights, Elvis Presley, the “king of rock and roll”, they were all a manifestation of our own wishes, hopes and dreams.  They inspired us with passion and purpose in our own lives by exemplifying what really matters; to be the best that we can be and become what we are intended to be.

The five stages of grief

The five stages of grief are a part of everyone’s mourning. Developed by psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubla Ross, who spent most of her professional life with help and studying death and dying, she established these five stages:  denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. These were applied to patients who knew that death was imminent.  These were also applicable to the loved ones of the dying.  With exception of bargaining, they are applicable to those who lose loved ones not in their immediate lives—those who they know through other sources of connection.  We feel the shock, then the anger, followed by depression, and finally, acceptance.  Each person experiences these stages personally and in their own way and time.  There are folks who still deny the death of Elvis Presley, longing to keep him alive in their hearts and minds.  Coming to terms with losing a loved one, either in family, friends or whom we have grown to love, and respect is the stage of grief called acceptance.  Those who were murdered in the Sandy Hook Elementary School and the Majory Stone Douglas High School, as well as all the other mass shootings were mourned by parents of children all around the world. We share in the sorrow and loss. The common denominator is our human essence, our authenticity.  We all suffered their losses as if it were our own.  We know that by the grace of God, it could have been our children.

Life is fragile

We realize how fragile life is.  When Kobe, his daughter and the seven other innocent lives stepped into that helicopter, with their unknown fate that lies ahead, we could all identify with their experience.  To be alive and well in one moment and to be gone in another is a fear and reality we all share.  Mourning the loss of people, we celebrated for different reasons is part of the human condition.  To be loved and to love is what it is to be a human being.

The most important part of grieving is feeling your feelings.  Grieving is the healing feeling.  Talk with others, who celebrated the life of the deceased.  Share your heartfelt feelings with those you trust and understand your grief. Know that what you are experiencing is common and needs to be felt.  Most of all, celebrate their lives as well as mourning their deaths.

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This article first appeared on yourtango.com.

Joan E Childs, LCSW is a renowned psychotherapist, inspirational speaker and author of Why Did She Jump? My Daughter’s Battle with Bipolar Disorder.  In private practice since 1978, she specializes in individual and couple’s therapy, grief therapy, EMDR, NLP, inner child work and codependency. Learn more about her services at joanechilds.com

Joan E Childs, LCSW is a renowned psychotherapist, inspirational speaker and author of I Hate The Man I Love: A Conscious Relationship is Your Key to Success. In private practice since 1978, she specializes in individual and couple’s therapy, grief therapy, EMDR, NLP, inner child work and codependency. Learn more about her services at www.joanechilds.com.