How To Have A Relationship With A Narcissist

Can A Relationship Work with a Narcissist?

No! It will never work! It’s impossible and dangerous to your well-being! The problem is, you may not know you are in one until its too late.

Narcissists are charmers, liars, cheaters, and very charismatic. They woo you in, sweep you off your feet and drive you crazy between the sheets. They can be both male and female, however, more common in men. They come in all races, religions, creeds, nationalities and styles.

The most important feature is they are dangerous. They will suck you dry until you are lost in them, unable to retrieve your dignity, sense of self worth and self-esteem. They can be equated with vampires—once they bite, you fall prey and become powerless to their seduction. Are they a sociopath? A psychopath? A borderline personality?

 

“The Phantom is not a psychopath,” he says calmly. I’m sure he is, you know. The Phantom replies: “Society built this angry individual. When he was young, he was beaten and put in a cage in a freak show.”
– Phantom of the Opera

What Are The Signs of A Narcissist?

Here we learn about the etiology of narcissists. Are they born that way or do they become that way due to environmental factors? Hmmm. Hard to know exactly. What we know is that a narcissist is a personality disorder in which a person has an inflated sense of self-importance. The cause is unknown but likely involves a combination of genetic and environmental factors. Symptoms include an excessive need for admiration, disregard for others’ feelings, an inability to handle any criticism, and a sense of entitlement. (NPD) is an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior characterized by self-centeredness, lack of empathy, and an exaggerated sense of self-importance. (Kendra Cherry; medically revised by Daniel B Block MD, Very Well Mind).

Are You Dating A Narcissist?

Sound familiar? Do you know anyone who exhibits these characteristics? Are you sleeping with the enemy, praying this is not happening? Because they are so damn charming, charismatic and enchanting and usually brilliant, their essence is clouded in the beginning of a relationship. They know how to put their best foot forward—pull the wool over your eyes, despite the fact that you are just as smart as they are. They know the words to say, the looks to give, the little surprises that will win you over. Suddenly you are in the rabbit hole and too far down to find your way out. They can literally charm the pants off you and they do! Women walk away after the first date feeling they met the man of their dreams. These men of their dreams too often become the nightmares they never anticipated in the beginning. The first few weeks they are ravished with attention, great sex, gifts, excitement and trips to the moon on gossamer wings. The bewitchment evolves overtime to betrayal, distance, avoidance, and finally they’re gone, MIA, disappeared or most likely, with another woman, and usually one you know—perhaps your manicurist or even a friend–and you never saw it coming! You thought you met a Dr. Jekyll, and you turned the corner and suddenly you were sleeping with Hyde.

Your dream man, the one who brought you to orgasm more times than you ever thought possible, the one who made 50 Shades of Gray seem like child play, checks out and you have fallen into a post-traumatic stress disorder with sleepless nights, stomach aches, irritability, obsessive, compulsive behaviors, angry, depressed, anxious, grieving, loss of appetite and feeling like shit. You have been emotionally scammed and never saw it coming. Some women are so wounded they suffer interminable pain for months and years. Some never recover. I actually have given the diagnosis as Post Traumatic Break-up Disorder! You may see it one day in the DSM-6, (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.)

What does a narcissist do to a person?

Narcissists are cunning, con artists, sly, crafty, calculating, sneaky, shrewd, scheming, guileful and great bull shitters! They are only interested in one thing—themselves. You will never be on center stage, a priority or relevant in their world. They will use you, abuse you, insult you, degrade you, find fault with you, blame you, punish you and control you. They will never love you. They are not capable of loving you. It’s not about you. Its about them. There is a missing link in their personality that defies their ability to love. Love of self leaves no room for loving anyone else. The scary part is that they are very difficult to treat, primarily because they are not in touch with their (Dark Side) shadow side and could care less.

If you find yourself with a man or woman who exhibits these characteristics, run to your therapist or find one who can help you recover. It’s not your fault and you don’t deserve this. In your quest to find a someone who could make you happy, you stumbled innocently onto a creep or shrew. Their charm and wit and perhaps their pocket book blindsided you. You were looking for someone who had all the best features they portrayed. You couldn’t see beneath the surface. Under there, not unlike the Phantom of the Opera lied the beast, the predator, the narcissist. You were taken by surprise. By the time you realized you had fallen in love with a narcissist, it was too late. You drank the poison and there seemed no way out. The only person who can sustain a relationship with a narcissist is one themself. They don’t have any interest or concern for one another. They are too busy looking out for themselves and their own aggrandizement.

The Good News: Recovering from A Narcissist

There is a light under the tunnel. There is hope; not for them, but for you. Once you understand the scam and get the support of a therapist who can redirect you out of this dark place, you will recover. It takes time to get through the gauntlet. It takes perseverance and determination. It takes the belief that you deserve better. It takes learning to love yourself, recover your dignity and self-worth. You can’t do this alone. It’s a process—not an event. Recovery takes commitment, effort and a strong therapeutic relationship. We make choices both consciously and unconsciously. The goal is to have a conscious relationship with ourselves before we can have one with another. So many of us came from homes where we never had a secure attachment. We were looking for love in all the wrong places and never knew it. We grew up in families where the space between our parents was polluted. This was the space we grew up in. Never having a secure attachment made us vulnerable to people who are narcissists. It’s all too common. In the movie Rocketman, Elton John exemplifies this phenomenon. His mother was a narcissist, and his father was cold and detached. It was a perfect storm for feeling unloved. His quest for finding love was choosing men who were incapable of giving the love he so desperately needed and desired. He was repeating the pattern of his family of origin. This is not to say that only children who are neglected, abused or abandoned end up with narcissists. It can happen to anyone. The “good news’ is that there is a way out. Don’t wait until you are spiritually bankrupt. Reach out for help from a professional who can walk you through the gauntlet and lead you out of your codependency that you unwittingly wandered into.

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
-Anais Nin

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Joan E Childs, LCSW is a renowned psychotherapist, inspirational speaker and author of Do You Hate the One You Love: Strategies For Healing and Saving Your Relationship. In private practice since 1978, she specializes in individual and couple’s therapy, grief therapy, EMDR, NLP, inner child work and codependency. Learn more about her services at www.joanechilds.com.