Helpful Personal Hints on Healing from a Suicide

On July 2, 1998, my beautiful thirty-four year old daughter, Pam, a PhD and clinical social worker, leaped to her death from a 15th story window. Although her death gave every appearance of suicide, her executioner was her Bipolar 1 disorder. By the time she passed, her disease had caused many delusions with few intermittent lucid moments. I don’t believe that my daughter chose suicide. I believe it was her delusional state, the illness that took her life.

I am writing this blog as on the eve of my presentation at the Miami International Book Fair where I will present my book, WHY DID SHE JUMP? My Daughter’s Battle with Bipolar Disorder. I hope it will offer you information, understanding, and comfort.

This is not an easy subject to write about, or to read. However, it is essential that we lift the cloak of shame and stigma from the face of mental illness. I write this blog with the intention of doing just that. I will be sharing more information weekly about bipolar disorder and suicide in the weeks that follow.

The loss of a loved one is difficult for most of us to cope with. Shock, grief and mourning are processes we all must deal with. However, a life that ends in suicide is horrific. It is a chronic struggle for the family, particularly the parents, as well as the siblings, extended family and friends. No one is spared. A life that ends in suicide is unbearable. The “what if’s” perseverate in the windows of your mind relentlessly.

I believe everyone grieves in his or her own way. There is no right or wrong. Losing a child to suicide is unnatural. Parents are supposed to die before their children. In my family, her father and her four siblings experienced the loss and grief uniquely. Even today, more than sixteen years later, I still hear from her friends and clients letting me know that Pamela is still remembered for the way she impacted and transformed their lives.

There are 5 Stages of normal grief that were first proposed by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in her book, ON DEATH AND DYING: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally, acceptance. Not everyone experiences all five stages. However, it is essential to grieve in order to move forward. I experienced all of them over a period of time. Grieving is the healing feeling.

Here are a few suggestions for healing after an unexpected loss:

1. Find solace and comfort in helping others
   Being a psychotherapist, I know how important it is to stay “present,” physically and emotionally for my clients. I found that in spite of my grief, allowing people to see my authenticity and essence as a grieving mother and their counselor helped them with their losses. Unwittingly, I modeled grief and loss in a way that was healing for them as well as me. I found strength by helping my four other children who needed their mother for comfort to help alleviate their suffering. This helped with my healing as well.
2. Find strength to communicate your feelings
   After suffering such a huge and unexpected loss, I encouraged my family to show their feelings and grief so they could continue with their lives while mourning and healing. We spent many months sharing and discharging our thoughts and feelings with each other. Our tears and words washed away our sorrow. Grieving is the healing feeling. You can’t move on without grieving. It hurts, but it sets you free.
3. Write
   After the funeral and Shiva, (the seven days of mourning that follows in Jewish tradition), I took to the computer. Grievers are nocturnal, so sleepless nights were inherent to my loss. I was compelled to write about my pain and suffering. Seven years later, my catharsis became my book, WHY DID SHE JUMP? I had no intent to write a book; certainly not of this subject, but it was as if a muse or force called to me to write my feelings, express my emotions, and mend my broken heart. It was my catharsis.
4. Attend a grief support group
   When attending a local grief support group, I saw parents grieving twenty years after they lost a child to suicide. I decided that was not going to be me. I had a life to live and wanted no part of inconsolable grief. Between my friends, family, colleagues and clients, I had my own personal support group. The more I shared the easier it became to accept Pam’s death.
5. See a grief counselor
   Although seeing a grief counselor that I could confide in was helpful, it was my work, family and friends who were of the most benefit. A qualified grief counselor can facilitate the normal stages of grief and help you in your recovery. You can’t grieve alone.
6. Become a survivor not a victim
   As time passes, we have to choose whether to be a victim or a survivor. For me, there was no choice. Other people depended on me. My children needed me to champion them. Although they were all adults at this time, they needed my strength to support them through their grief. My clients needed me. I showed them that we are all susceptible to losing a loved one and yet, have the capacity to move on with life. I shared my sorrow with them openly, with tears and memories. I answered their questions, and in a way, they were helping me as I was helping them deal with their losses, whether it was a death, divorce, loss of income or a miscarriage. Losses come in many ways, and my loss was NO GREATER than theirs. Losses cannot be compared. They were grateful without feeling guilt for witnessing my grief.
7. Forgive
   The “what ifs” came for a long time, but after many months I came to terms that I had done everything I could with the resources I had at the time. I learned to forgive the doctors that never seemed to be able to find the right medication or a cure. I forgave the hospitals and the sub-standard health system that caused her to fall through the cracks. I forgave her for leaving us so abruptly, without even a note to say good-bye. But most of all, I forgave myself for not being able to save her. This was her destiny and I was powerless to change it.
8. Create something in loving memory of your loved one
   I created a center with the local mental health association to educate and provide resources to the community where families in crisis could get help for understanding and treating mental illness. The PAMELA ANN GLASSMAN EDUCATIONAL CENTER of THE MENTAL HEALTH ASSOCIATION OF SOUTH FLORIDA provides workshops, seminars and lectures to help both professionals and the community learn more about mental illness and resources available in the community.

I never created a shrine of Pam. Instead I planted a tree in a park in Valle Crusis, NC, in her memory, a place where she had often gone to find strength and solace. The plaque at the foot of the Oak tree reads:

IN MEMORY OF
PAMELA ANN GLASSMAN
AN ANGEL TO REMEMBER

I have a home nearby, and when I am there alone or with others, I visit and meditate, sharing the changes and events that have occurred in the years since she has passed. I always see a butterfly.

Joan E Childs, LCSW is a renowned psychotherapist, inspirational speaker and author of Do You Hate the One You Love: Strategies For Healing and Saving Your Relationship. In private practice since 1978, she specializes in individual and couple’s therapy, grief therapy, EMDR, NLP, inner child work and codependency. Learn more about her services at www.joanechilds.com.