The Dating Game

I Hate the I Man Love

The following is from a series of excerpts from the new book by Joan E. Childs, I Hate the Man I Love: A Conscious Relationship Is Your Key to Success.

Chapter 4
The Dangers, Drags, and Dubious Dregs of the Dating Game

Dating in the 21st century is not for sissies! Consider yourself lucky if you’re not stuck inside all of that chaos, but if you are, keep reading! The dating world can be disastrous at any point, but when a relationship grows over time and you become fully vested in a guy, what do you do when he suddenly decides he wants out?

“It’s not about you; it’s about me!”

Sound familiar?

This is how I begin Chapter 4. Those of you who have dared to enter the world of Match.com and other dating sites with high hopes of finding Mr. Right, might end up renaming it Match.con. We know there are no guarantees in life, and dating in the 21st century certainly underscores that concept. It’s important to put our best foot forward, but does the seduction mean having to lie about our age and post photos that were taken ten years ago?

If he finds you attractive and age appropriate, what happens when you meet? I have heard guys disappear out the side or back door when the truth knocks him for a loop. Honesty being the best policy doesn’t seem to apply on dating sites. I hate to admit this, but it seems to apply more to women than men.

How can we expect positive outcomes when we begin the search with a lie? I know, I know, everyone lies a little. Taking five years off your age when are over 60 seems to be usual and customary. Most can get away with it and at the first encounter, if you see he might be interested, you can come clean. He most likely won’t be surprised. Beware of photos posted that were taken more than 10 years ago. As Abe Lincoln said, “You can fool some of the people some of the time; some of the people all of the time, but not all of the people all of the time!”

The most important point I make in this chapter is the patterns we create unwittingly and unconsciously in our choice of the men we pursue must be addressed. The nice guys don’t seem to interest us. For some reason, we find ourselves pursuing the ones who will give us the biggest nightmare over and over again. We ask ourselves: Why do I keep repeating the same mistake? Why do my choices always end up in a disaster? “Why can’t I just find a normal boyfriend?”, as Helen Hunt exclaims in the movie As Good as it Gets. A woman has to explore why she does what she does! The good news is there is a reason. Once you discover the positive intentions of your behavior, you will make better choices!

Joan E Childs, LCSW is a renowned psychotherapist, inspirational speaker and author of Do You Hate the One You Love: Strategies For Healing and Saving Your Relationship. In private practice since 1978, she specializes in individual and couple’s therapy, grief therapy, EMDR, NLP, inner child work and codependency. Learn more about her services at www.joanechilds.com.