Conflict Resolution in the Workplace

The Change Model

Did you ever notice that when someone uses the word YOU, as in “You are always late!” it draws you into a defense mode? A “fight or flight” response is usually predictable. Using the word YOU and ALWAYS OR NEVER to address an individual when a conflict arises is a sure invitation for a fight. Psychologists and communication experts have long known that “I” messages are key to disarming a person’s resistance and diffusing anger. We have long ago created Models for Change when teaching how to effectively communicate and reach one’s desired outcome goal. The following CHANGE MODEL is one I teach my clients in both personal and professional relationships and for the most part are not only effective, but reduce stress and tension between parties as well as raise the level of intimacy and comfort.

There are five parts to the model.

They are as follows:

1. PERCEPTION: What you see or hear
2. FEELINGS: The emotions created as a result of your perception
3. INTERPRETATION: Your map of reality from what you heard, saw and felt. Everyone has a different interpretation based on his or her history, experience and filters. Three people can view an automobile accident, and all report it differently. Interpretation is what one thinks, imagines or fantasizes about what they heard or saw.
4. NEEDS: What is needed at the time an interpretation is made.
5. CONTRACT: What can be agreed by the individuals

EXAMPLE:

Jane SAW (PERCEPTION) Bill talking to Ann at the water fountain. She did not HEAR any conversation, as her desk was not in hearing range. She HEARD (Perception) them laughing and seemingly enjoying each other. She FELT (FEELINGS) hurt. He had never taken the time to converse with her, let alone enjoy laughter. They had worked together for more than a year, and with all her effort, she had never been able to engage him in a meaningful conversation. She THOUGHT (INTERPREATION) he didn’t like her. She NEEDED to know his feelings about her and wanted validation that he thought kindly of her, but was too intimidated to speak with him. Over time, she avoided him THINKING or IMAGINING (INTERPRETATION) that her belief was correct. As time passed, the stronger her belief system grew. It became more difficult for her to approach him, so eventually she ignored him. It became apparent (INTERPRETATION) to Bill that Jane was avoiding him. Not having any clue as to why her indifference and cold shoulder, he approached her one day and asked. “Are you angry with me?” She responded sharply, “No!” then turned and walked away quickly. You can imagine what was taking place in both their minds after that. Bill was confused. He clearly received messages that she was angry by her body language that was not congruent with her word. Jane was humiliated and fearful that Bill could read her mind. The chasm increased. Jane’s feelings deepened, and Bill thought it best to avoid her too. Jane promoted her own self-fulfilled prophecy, and Bill hadn’t a clue as to what had happened or what he had done.
This all could have been avoided if they had both been skilled in THE CHANGE MODEL for communication.

EXAMPLE: CHANGE MODEL

JANE: Bill, I NOTICE (PERCEPTION) that you seem to enjoy chatting with Ann. We never seem to speak. I FEEL (FEELINGS) confused and a bit hurt that we don’t engage in any dialogue. I IMAGINE (INTERPRETATION), that perhaps you are avoiding me. I would like to know if there was anything I have every said or done to offend you. (NEED).

This would unequivocally disarm Bill, and give him permission to acknowledge Jane’s concern. If he knew the same model, his reply would be sensitive using the same patterns of communication. The result would be enormous. She would feel validated. This is an example of CONFLICT RELOLUTION at its best. It saves a lot of wear and tear on the colon too!

Joan E Childs, LCSW is a renowned psychotherapist, inspirational speaker and author of I Hate The Man I Love: A Conscious Relationship is Your Key to Success. In private practice since 1978, she specializes in individual and couple’s therapy, grief therapy, EMDR, NLP, inner child work and codependency. Learn more about her services at www.joanechilds.com.