A Personal Reflection On Couple’s Therapy

It was many years ago when I struggled through a difficult marriage. I had only been married six years when I realized I was unhappy and unable to resolve both my external and internal conflicts. I already had three children and another on the way. My acting out behavior was a sign that I was in trouble. I was not yet 30 years old. My best friend, Phyllis took me under her wing and suggested I seek professional help.

Couple’s Therapy: It Take’s Two to Effect Change

She gave me the name of her therapist and I followed her advice. It took several years of self-discovery and insight to realize I was married to an addict. The drug of choice is irrelevant in this introduction. My husband was not a cooperative partner in couple’s therapy. I had to do it alone.

It always takes two to effect change in a marriage, therefore, I had to make the journey alone.
I would have preferred change in the behavior on his part, but once I was able to explore and correct my behavior, I was able to come to a determination of what I had to do. This took a few more years to come to terms with dissolution being the only acceptable outcome. Three years later and a fifth baby I had the courage to conquer my fears and guilt.

What to Expect in Couple’s Therapy

It did not have a “living a happily ever after” ending, however it was the right choice for me. Sometimes couple’s therapy does not always help the couple, especially without a cooperative partner, but it helps the partner who is alone in the conflict come to a viable resolution. The intention of couple’s therapy is to restore relational maturity and effective communication. In my case it made me realize I was alone on my journey.

The positive intention of couple’s therapy is to resolve conflicts, enhance intimacy and provide resources for change. It doesn’t always work. There are times that divorce is a better choice. It took counseling for me to discover the answer. I am grateful today, 46 years later to have listened to Phyllis and for the help from Dr. Waddington to help me arrive to that decision. Isn’t it ironic that I should learn about the passing of Dr. Waddington only hours after I completed the introduction to this article?

Forty-six years later, neither of us the same person as we once were, my ex-husband and I are friends, creating a new brand in our relationship. This October, God-willing, we will be traveling to Israel with two of our grown children. We do not know the future. We must live in the present, work on ourselves, and know if we commit, the universe will deliver!

Joan E Childs, LCSW is a renowned psychotherapist, inspirational speaker and author of Do You Hate the One You Love: Strategies For Healing and Saving Your Relationship. In private practice since 1978, she specializes in individual and couple’s therapy, grief therapy, EMDR, NLP, inner child work and codependency. Learn more about her services at www.joanechilds.com.