Why I Wrote the Book I HATE THE MAN I LOVE: A Conscious Relationship Is Your Key to Success

As of 1978 I have been in private practice.  I can’t believe all these years have passed in what feels like a blink of an eye.  During these precious, auspicious, and creative years I spent most of my time healing couples as well as individuals.  I spent 37 years facilitating group therapy.  The common denominator of all these sessions were relationship issues, specifically why women felt so frustrated regarding their male partners.  I am sure that men felt the same, however, they didn’t voice their struggles as much as my female clients.  After hearing their lamentations and frustrations over the years, I decided to share my take a ways in a book.

Crisis in Relationships Lead to Frustration & Disappointment

What were these frustrations and complaints? Although many were specific in nature, most were similar.  The harsh words labeling their mates as jerks,  clueless and dumb were inherent in most descriptions (stonewalling).  These words were often accompanied with vitriolic words of “I hate him!” over and over.  After being subjected to their wrath for all these years, often storming out of my office, slamming the door, leaving their partners in a state of consternation and confusion, and me feeling as if the oxygen had been sucked out of the room, I concluded that most couples were living in relationships that were polluted, rendering them in crisis.

The diatribe of frustrations consisted of disappointments of not being heard or seen, feeling stonewalled, invisible, withdrawn or explosive, using avoidance, being judgmental, critical, contemptuous, defensive, dismissive and even gas lighting – the act of making them feel like they were crazy. There was never conflict resolution or a secure attachment, something that most of them had not had in their childhood.  There was a complete absence of any effective communication because they only had their family of origin role models to learn from and worst of all, did not understand the art of presencing.

As a result, conflicts would be swept under the carpet, due to any of the above behaviors until the next issue arrived. Soon the relational space, where the couple and children lived (if they had any) felt uncomfortable. Now they reacted to the discomfort in the space. Without conflict resolution the space became dangerous, and they reacted to the danger in the space that were co-created.

As time progressed, all these unresolved conflicts grew and the space became contaminated with feelings of despair, hopelessness and often resulted in break-ups and divorce. This is where we understand that we unconsciously hire partners that will bring us the worst nightmare in order to resolve our childhood wounds, and then fire them for the very reason we hired them (*See Hedy Schleifer Ted Talks on YouTube)

How Love and Hate Can Co-Exist Simultaneously

Love and Hate are part of the human condition.  We can love our partners, children, parents, family members and more and sometimes hate their behavior; not them.  So, when women would discharge their hate, disdain, animosity, rancor, hostility, loathing and more, they were mostly speaking of their partner’s behavior.  When I would ask them why they were with someone they hated, they would immediately respond, “because I love him. When he’s not acting like a jerk or an asshole, he’s wonderful.  We have fun together and our sex is good.  But when he’s not connected to me, not listening, or responding, I hate him!”

Rarely do we really hate anyone.  That’s not so say we like or love them.  Hate is a word used perhaps too often, unintended, but expresses an emotion too often not contained and considered. It’s reactive as opposed to proactive. The art of a conscious relationship is to know how to have an effective response, however, both partners must be in sync with their personal development.  If one is evolved and the other is not conscious, an effective response most likely won’t work.

There are songs and movies reflecting the love/hate syndrome. I Love you, I Hate You, is an example of a song that describes the dichotomy. How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days is a movie that reflects the paradox. It’s part of our human experience and our parts.  We have the capacity to be loving, lovable, compassionate, understanding, kind and more as well as aggressive, even violent if provoked, contemptuous, and more under certain circumstances. We all have a dark side.  The goal of maturity and consciousness is to know how to respond to our unacceptable feelings and not project them onto others or act them out.  This is the essence of couple’s work.

Hedy Schleifer: Crossing the Bridge

I was fortunate to discover one of the best relationship experts internationally, Hedy Schleifer.  I had participated in several of her weekend workshops, Adventures in Intimacy, followed by her three-year Master Class.  I was 72 years old when she accepted my application.  I had been surprised, as I was certain that I was too old to be a candidate, thinking that she wanted veteran therapists who could carry forth her work.  At 72, I would hardly fit the bill as I would be 75 by the time the class completed, way past retirement age for most. Much to my chagrin I was accepted.  The $10,000 fee, my investment of money and the three years of training plus the relationships formed with my colleagues who also participated from all over the world was perhaps the best investment I ever made.

Although I had several trainings with other expert marriage and family therapists, Hedy had crafted her own modality based on the journey of her learnings from the masters she had worked with, just as Carl Jung, added his own ideas to that of Sigmund Freud and so many others in the field of psychotherapy as well as other professions.  Exceeding one’s growth edge both personally and professionally is the ultimate goal of enlightment. Hedy’s recipe resonated with my own and just as she created her own masterpiece, I have added a few of my own ideas using her model, EcCt (Encounter-centered Transformational Couples Therapy) as the foundation of my own.  I am proud to say that I have been successful in taking couples from the brink of disaster to helping them restore and reconnect to a higher level of intimacy than they ever imagined. My contribution was teaching couples how to have a conscious relationship to install a secure attachment, something that had been missing in most of their families of origin.

Having a conscious relationship and a secure attachment requires teaching, practice, and integration. It takes time, patience, and a financial investment.  However, if you consider your relationship and your life as your most important priority, your investment will prove to be the best one you will ever make, one you will never regret.

Hence, the birth of my book, I HATE THE MAN I LOVE: A Conscious Relationship is Your Key to Success

Why I Wrote The Book

Over the years of my journey in my practice, I had acquired so much information that had proven to be useful and helpful, that a book seemed natural. It would be my third book, each different in text and design.  It was so easy to write that I was sure it would not pass the test of success.  However, that didn’t matter.  I was compelled to write as I had been the same with the others.  So, it began—the journey of writing and sharing my knowledge and life’s work with an unknown audience.  I didn’t really pay too much attention to the results, only with the writing itself.  If it helped even one person or couple it would have been worth the effort. The effort was mild compared to the weeks and months it took to promote the book.  Nevertheless, my muse was a close-order drill sergeant that lived inside my mind, pushing, prodding and being a pain in the ass to get it pitched.  So here I am, once more pitching my work in the hopes that it will pique your sense of wonder and curiosity.  Hopefully, this article might lead you to Amazon or your favorite bookstore to order the book either on e-book or paperback.I also want my readers to know that this is not a male-bashing book.  Men can learn something about a conscious relationship too.  As one of my endorsement’s states: “Ladies, if you are thinking of leaving the man you love, the one who brings you to orgasm and anger in the same day, this book is for you!” (Thank you, Susan Furman, for your words of wisdom!)

There will be a time in the future that I will do a Ted Talk.  I don’t know where or when that will happen, but just as I knew this book had to be published, I know that the day will come that I will appear on a Ted Talk.  You can be sure I will let you know when that day comes so you can all share that experience with me.

I thank you, all of you who are on my social media, website, YouTube, and Constant Contact emails for all your support.  Feel free to unsubscribe if you no longer wish to be on my email list.  I am very grateful to you for your reading and watching my videos on all social media and YouTube.  If not for you, my creative forces would not exist.

 

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Joan E Childs, LCSW is a renowned psychotherapist, inspirational speaker and author of Do You Hate the One You Love: Strategies For Healing and Saving Your Relationship. In private practice since 1978, she specializes in individual and couple’s therapy, grief therapy, EMDR, NLP, inner child work and codependency. Learn more about her services at www.joanechilds.com.