“There are places in the heart which do not yet exist, and into them enters suffering in order they may have existence.” — Leon Bloy

In my book, Why Did She Jump?, I chronicle my daughter’s struggle with mental illness, a broken healthcare system, and my ultimate search for peace. This isn’t just my story; it is every parent’s worst nightmare—the loss of a child to suicide.

I felt a profound need to share my journey to support other parents walking this dark path. If these words help even one person navigate their grief, then this work has fulfilled its mission. To those enduring this tragedy: I offer you guidance and hope. Despair, acceptance, and letting go are all part of the process, but remember that grief itself is a healing feeling. After the initial shock, we must embrace the pain to begin to mend.

Grievers are often nocturnal. During my own sleepless nights, I found myself drawn to the computer, my fingers moving almost robotically as I discharged my thoughts onto the keys. After seven years, I realized these late-night reflections had become a memoir capable of helping others who have experienced the same devastating loss.

For me, the process was tortuous, eventually diagnosed as Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD). It felt like a sword piercing through me, a cascade of feelings that swallowed me whole until my mind and body finally began the long journey through the grief.

There is no right or wrong way to cope. Time, supportive friends, and open conversation all help, but professional counseling is essential. Grievers need trained guidance to navigate such profound loss. Even with support, you are never truly the same—and that is okay.

Suffering ripples outwards. Siblings, extended family, and the community all struggle with fear, anxiety, anger, and guilt. Mental illness has no boundaries, and those gathered at a funeral often realize how easily this tragedy can strike any family.

The “what ifs” and the “whys” can run through a loved one’s mind for hours on end. For many, the grief feels endless. But at a certain point, I made a choice. I chose not to be a victim or merely a survivor. Instead, I chose to be a phoenix—rising from the ashes with a newfound sense of empowerment. With four other children to support and a practice full of clients who needed my counsel, I had no option but to heal and grow.

As time passes, we are faced with a choice that may determine how we live the rest of our lives: do we remain a victim, or do we become a survivor?

I will continue to post excerpts here and on social media to offer the best guidance and experience I can. My book explores each stage of grief, my daughter’s battle, and the frustrations of our healthcare system.

If this resonates with you, Why Did She Jump? is available in hard copy, paperback, e-book, and audiobook at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and other major booksellers.

Best regards,

Joan E. Childs